In the village Chinese,
i saw a man who used to force sex on me.
With his baby - what a worried little face.

We spoke over elephant's backs
for a while about our families and i thought about how he'll never know it.
That he was the first person i'd ever been in love with.
I hadn't known it myself untill probably hours later that evening,
in the dark,
where the starker devils grew their foods.
Is that something like the stockhelm syndrome?
And will that baby love a father,
or love the same man i did?

This is the love i practised before i met you,
and when i try and ruin us,
a younger me grabs tight on me
around my waist, say, or one leg, say
and beg, say, "don't you dare ruin this"
can you imagine if i did?
for the crack? For the laughing
and the drinking too much?
For the older men with vomit smiles?
When there's you, who's light
and gold and glory?
makes jokes and talks about humans
and wouldn't it be better if we all woke up singing
like the birds?
And understands what i mean when
i say a city of men
probably looks like an infestation from above
to God, though his love,
remains flowing?
Can you imagine if i ruined that?
The best time in my whole, whole life, you are.

Or when your eyes stray
and the devil in me say
"thats bar nuts and boy
blood that drips from his jaw"
and i'm sure! I AM SURE!
My head won't silent any more -
And with the tounge in my mouth
and this devil on my back
I collapse into black
And am scared by the life in me, i won't be an idiot for you
Mr [one sylable name].
(who's not even in the same city, as the event unfold)

But under the weight of this,
the devil, my brother,
clung to the young though bowed bridge of my back,
Through the yelling, the lovely glorious red yelling
i can sometimes see -
you've done nothing.
Is it actually me staring helpless and harlet
at the dancing boys?
hoping i'll get caught short
and humilliated again,
older men,
less stories and ideas,
more breathy and lears,
mean,
like i deserve.
How could i possibly desserve you
good,
gold,
glory and please,
when i was taught to love
by the man in the Chinese.

And now there is you.
And can you imagine if i ruined this?