looking forward a little and i am your husband now, to a girl, who lived by her mistakes and took a little pitty on me in the sake of feeling pain. you in your flower shop, working stupid hours, and me in my collum, bitching about the locals. Life seems so easy, but i cant touch you, i wish i knew how to touch you, I used to love you then. Lets just lay next to each other in the morning, no talking, you make me pale with your talking, and we'll close our eyes and maybe i'll remember. You are the single most beautiful thing i have ever seen, but you don't touch me like he touched me, and you don't know my body like he did. I wish i could rip out what ever that has changed in me, i wish i could cut open my rips and search behind them, find you drowing in disease and ring you out to be the perfect bride again. I wish i knew how to rip off my skin for you, so i don't have his footprints inbeded in my sweat, pressed hard into sheets, i don't want his name in my breath and spoken in sighs across my windows. your breathing is so steady and watching you sleep is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I wish i could crawl inside your lips and die and never think of this again. don't you think i've tried to remember how to love you? don't you think i tried to love you everyday since the day i stopped? you make this hard for me.You make this so hard for me.

I'm wearing no top, and naked in your bed feels so beautiful. When i'm with you i can feel God with me, around me, with childeren inside me like soilders, and the sun on your window always smiles like natural disasters that only i ever see, either that or everyone else is pretending. natural disasters everywhere, like disease, like starvation, like nazi madness, and hurricains. sometimes, my most selfish thought is for an accident. Maybe if we forgot to use one, and you'd get bigger and bigger and i'd have somthing to call my own. Would i feel more complete? Would you feel less alone? Failing this, we could plan our wedding, saving a little, little by little, and i'd even smile for the photo, and maybe eventually i'd forget him and you'd ignore my crying and we'd all feel a little closer to our familes idea of God. shit, i love you, you know i love you, but i don't know my mind anymore? it feels like i'm crying everyday, but i've lost track of time and i don't see where one ends and another begins. I'll forget him i know i will, please don't let me go, please don't look so afraid. I can't stand to think i'm hurting you, don't look so afraid.

our sheets look just like new, and you'll never know i spend my nights at work on his couch, in his bed, on his mind, on his mouth. To a boy, Antonio/Sebastian

-x-

It feels like i have been writing this forever but feel no closer to a conclusion